I get why everything in life basically has to be routine, but some days I just dont get it nor do I like it. Everything is so repetitive. Wake up, go to work, go to school, do homework, go to bed, wake up do it all over again. Annoying. When does life start to get more risky. When does it start to break from the norm. I realize this is complaining and such, and that my life is full of surprises. But soemtimes I get bored. My fault, I know. But still.

And it doesnt help that my dreams are too huge for anyone to comprehend. Its like they were meant to stay in my head until i absolutely know that the time is exactly right for me to act on them. And as of now, I still have alot of time to go before they can be let go. So, in my brain stewing is where they will stay for now. I guess the longer they sit up there, the bigger they can grow right?

I read today that God does not have a specific plan for each of our lives. Like He does, but doesnt at the same time. Statistically, it would be very pointless for him to be like, "ok kaity today you eat sleep read at this this and this time. and same for you bob and joe" Its like, He has a set plan for each of us in the big picture but thats also why we gave us free will and the ability to make choices in life. This is where it all gets controversial. But seriously think of it this way....

if God is fathering us, He is helping us discover what is good, right, pure, and worthy to pursue. He teaches us morality and ethics, but also gave us a heart full of longing and desire. Its as though God sets before us a huge sheet of butcher paper and hands us a box of crayons and tells us to dream.

I think that whatever you were to "dream  and draw" out onto that paper would tell alot about your relationship with God and where youre at in your life right now. And thats either super exciting for some or reaaaally depressing for others.

once I heard a message from one of my youth pastors out of 1 corinthians 13. The love chapter. Good stuff. Anyways, he made us look at it in a totally different way and today I was randomly thinking about it. Ya know how the chapter is all "love is this love is that.." it really tells us how we are to love. He gave us a sheet of paper with the passage on it and all of the 'loves' were blank. He told us to go through and write our name where the word love used to be written. It looked something like this:

"Kaity is patient and kind. Kaity does not envy or boast. Kaity is not arrogant or rude. Kaity does not insist on her own way. Kaity is not irritable or resentful. Kaity does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Kaity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Now, aside from the fact that it sounds weird talking in thrid person, thats so incredibly brutal. If doing that doesnt make you think about how youre loving, I dont know what will. This probably dawned on me lately because I have been kinda jerkish in some ways to some people.

 It is so so so hard sometimes to love, the right way. But can you imagine what your world would look like if we actually tried to live like this every day.

time to write.

true friendship demands vulnerability. it requires you rearrange your schedule and intentionally plan time to spend with other people with no agenda. lately ive realized that its crucial to just be real with people.

vulnerable is like a super hardcore word. but i think that its so true and important to have in real friendships. not like with people you just hang out with but like your inner circle. its a proven fact that your life is happier with friends. youll add ten years to your life. those people close to you need to know who you are and vice versa. if they dont care or dont want to give up that part of them, then whats the point in giving up that part of you. just like in a love relationship you have to give a part of your heart away, you have to do the same thing sometimes in your close friend relationships. i think in the end you will benefit from it.

there is nothing more comforting than knowing you have one person in your life that you can run to. no matter what. 3am on a school night. whatever. having someone that you feel comfortable just to sit with and do nothing feels awesome.

growing up. lately ive been noticing that the 30 something year olds and up are just plain boring on the inside. they look empty and sad. they have that passion on the inside somewhere but on the outside they are just burnt out. its like they have all settled for something that maybe they didnt intend to at some point.

i never want to turn into that. im sure they all said that at one point and then life happened. but i have high standards. i have lots of dreams. i have a lot of passion. i dont want to ever have to settle for something less. why cant i be encouraging and joyful and ok without looking like a goody goody.

people need to know that its ok to be real. life is short. take risks. be vulnerable.

once again, amazing song lyrics. this one is encouraging. kinda reinforces things we already know? in a way..

joy is coming. i promise.

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

This band continues to amaze me. Pretty much every song is sung like its coming from Jesus to us. And to think of it that way brings over this incredible peace thats really hard to explain. The following song has been on repeat I guess, for a few days. The words and the music just calm me down or something. Listen to it. You wont be disappointed.

Beyond Words---Tenth Avenue North

Well if you only knew the pain that ive been threw
Since when did it become all about you
As you can see from the start ive said the truth
But if the truth means nothing to you
Then what am i supposed to do?

And ill still love you
Beyond what words will say
Ill take your every suffering moment
And bring a better day
ill still love you
more then what i hope to be
let me wrap my arms around you
let me take your breath away

and every time i ask
you assure your doing fine
but your heart looks good by smiling
you couldnt fool mine
by the end of the night your pilliow sits to dry
in a crowded room your singing
on the inside you cry

and ill still love you
beyond what words will say
ill take your every suffering moment
and bring a better day
ill still love you
more then what i hope to be
let me wrap my arms around you
let me take your breath away

in a ball room there is dancing
in a forest there are trees
in a child theres a hope
that keeps him in believe
with any star there is a sky
with any beach theres a sea
with any love song theres a lover
and in your heart i hope its....

and ill still love you
beyond what words will say
ill take your every suffering moment
and bring a better day
ill still love you
more then what i hope to be

let me wrap my arms around you
let me take your breath away

I like to think Im a joyful person. Because technically I am. I have joy inside me. There is a difference between having joy and being happy. Im not happy alot. sounds bad, but its true. Its like so many times during my week something comes up that just brings me down. Heres why I dont let it completely destroy me: JOY. Period. Its that peace inside me telling me everything will come out ok. There is always a new day tomorrow. Somewhere at the end of the tunnel there is a light. At the end of the day I like to try and tell myself that 'it is well'. If I let too many things get to me, it starts affecting every area of my life. People can tell when something is wrong even if you are a pro at hiding it. You will still affect others around you.

" You will keep Him in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on You because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3

Another year down. One year ago I was sitting in my dorm room writing this entry about things I'd learned that year. Weird, I'm not in a dorm. I'm in my apartment. Something I have waited for so long, and now I'm here. So many things learned this year, I don't even know where to begin…or end.

This year I have traveled to Costa Rica, Romania, Virginia, Waco a gazillion times. This year I have worked at an office, and hated it. This year I impacted 100s if not thousands of kids. This year I have met so many new people. This year I turned 21. This year I got a new car. This year I purchased my first apartment. This year I got an associate's degree. This year I interned for NEXT. This year I started interning for Alliance.  This year I saw one of my favorite authors speak. This year I heard my two favorite country artists in concert. This year I had my first white Christmas. This year I almost lost someone. This year I was a jerk sometimes. This year I went to some midnight showings. This year I pulled many all nighters. This year I repaired a friendship.

I am really glad that 2009 is over. It was a pretty bad year emotionally, but it had so so many good things about it. I wish I could write and write but that could take forever. So that's it in a glance.

2010. I have many dreams to accomplish. Many goals to attain. I'm striving to be a better person. Get some stuff straight and keep growing up, as hard as that is. I didn't set any resolutions this year. I feel less pressure to do things that way. Without resolutions I'm free to just live what I want to live.

Shout out to KP. Cool story, God answers prayers. Nice way to start out the year: God proving to His people that He means business. He'll do what He promises if we keep our end of the deal up. All this stuff is like a completely awesome push into 2010.

2010, welcome. I'm excited.

a little while ago i heard a quote by susan isaacs; "God gave us a deeper knowledge of reality."

Sure this sounds simple, but its pretty deep if you think about it. As christians, if you are one, then God gave you something inside of you that should get reality. You ought to know whats right and wrong. You ought to see the world through Gods eyes. You ought to see those things that other people dont see. You ought to be set apart. Thinking about that is very intimidating to me. Because, its like I know what Im supposed to do, yet alot of the times I dont do it. I sit around and watch people suffer when I have everything I need. I choose to do wrong when I know obviously what is right. Sometimes I just cant see the world how God sees it. Its almost like Im not capable sometimes ya know. Its like how am I possibly supposed to do this thing called Christian life. Sure I talk the talk, but I dont walk the walk 24/7. Thats hard.

The reality is, this is reality. And just like that, I gotta accept it. Love God. Love people. I see reality, I need to see reality like God sees it. Help those in need. Listen more. Complain less. Give more. Want less. Smile. Just love.

This thanksgiving I have plenty to be thankful for. Actually every thanksgiving I have lots to be thankful for.

I am thankful that I have a God who loves me no matter what I do. Im pretty stupid and fail alot and dont give back to Him what He gives to me, but hes there. With second chances.

I am thankful for my family. Never have a seen a family work the way ours does. Other families work, yes. But there is something about my family that I cant put my finger on. Were just tight knit. And its special. And without them I dont know where I would be.

I am thankful for the friends that I have. Old friends. New friends. Best friends. All of them. You need people in your life that will listen to you and laugh with you and just be there for you and with you. I complain about not having enough friends sometimes, and thats pretty selfish of me. Inside, I really am grateful for the friends that I have,

I am thankful that I have a home and food and clothing. Its crazy how many people dont have any of that yet they still keep on living. Im thankful that I always seem to have enough money to pay rent and buy gas and food.

I am thankful for my new church home. It has changed my life completely right now. The people there that minister to me are just incredible. I am able to fully express the talents God has given me and He is always opening new doors for me to walk through.

Lastly, I am thankful for that still small voice inside me that never seems to leave. That voice that, in the midst of just the lowest parts of life, is saying its ok. Alot of times I cant hear it. Alot of times I am just blind and deaf to whats going on. I will get mad at God asking why Hes not doing anything or listening or anything. But then when I stop being stupid and just be quiet, I can hear Him. He just quietly reaasures me that there is something greater for me in life. Something so huge that I cant see it yet. To just be patient and everything will work out how He plans it too.

So this thanksgiving Im thankful. And to you who read this, be thankful. Youve got alot of stuff. So stop and really think about it.